What Does It Mean To Go Forward? (Berry the lead!)

       Romance is just great, but why is splitting always the best part?

What Does It Mean To Go Forward?

The previous series of posts are a cathartic expression of my tangled emotions and intentions in relating to other people, specifically women, and tragically, mainly only those those that I care very much about. I do not want to make any defense of my actions, they are there in my Death Song project completely unfiltered and I think honestly reflect me. I see that they are selfish and yet still giving, attractive but yet ugly; brave and still cowardly. So in the end I am a man who is afraid to give up his little autonomy even for the the love and affection of a wonderful woman who is far beyond my expectation, or my deserving.

Still, every word, phrase and song I put into the project was honest and without malice. I regret having hurt or pissed off the two women who offered me love in the course of it, but not the words I wrote or the actions I took, because they were honest and really, only the things that I felt, for right or wrong, it is at least how I choose to express my love, my frustration and my suffering.

So in the end Jane kicked me to the curb. Good, better her than me, because apparently she is too big a morsel for me to digest. And I love her, for the very real path she took me down, and the lessons of emotion and expression she brought out in me. In the end I see that the unfair artificial time restraint that I put around us, I was driven to rash and unreasonable actions by my own invested need to resolve the narrative that was only part of a spell I was working to satisfy my own desires. In this I needed a firm piece of solid ground to bring about  as I see it the not that difficult action of bringing us together.

The balm of Jane's 100% loving chat was washed away by the loose threads of contradiction that I see in her vague replies and disinterest in giving to me the clarity I need in relation to my specific questions and her seeming inability to directly answer anything that is necessary for me to proceed with what I can do on our behalf.

I am not a man who can be understood in a conventional world, and the way I live in this world is not what anyone would expect. In the world of men, one fulfills all promises and actions from inside the bank book. Money to me is only a weak tool that comes to me after the clear analysis of my intent and my goal at hand. Sure this sounds like bullshit, but this is how the work a day world feels to me. My wealth is my time and my free will to do as I like, when I like. Living a life of service to others returns to me all that I need in this world.

My great fear in taking a wife, is that I do not so clearly see how I can hold up my end, shoulder my obligation. I feel this is my backward trait, come on, and now too hard for me to keep on with it. Shit, that's it isn't it? I feel that I have to be responsible for everything myself. Am I in control or something now? I don't think I feel that way at all. All my life, I'm always afraid when things are happening around me that I don't understand or know immediately how to deal with them. This is exactly every woman or girl I have known in my lifetime. So much joy/so much terror.

Just a big Kid. "I would never buy this junk at these prices. But people love it! Go figure."

. Cindarella has graciously accepted my poetic mea culpa. I behaved very badly, and she is a really sport to have me back. It just goes to show 'ya, its always somthin'







Be kind, don't worry, be you everyday and see yourself grow.