Today Wasn’t the First Time I was Kicked Out of Church
What a day. After Dharma study tonight three women gave
me an intervention. They say I look at then, they say they don’t like my comments,
they say everyone thinks I’m a sexual predator, maybe even a child molester on
top of all that. I was truly a bit taken aback, but seeing their eyes I have to
accept that in that moment it was truth for each of them. There is no defense
to this fear and even animosity so I simply said I accept their feelings and
honor them for telling me, but perhaps they might have mentioned these feeling
a year ago, as they cited damning examples of my behavior going way back to when they first met me.
If I believed that there was any word or action I did
that merited their anger I would be mortified. I went on to say goodbye to the
men acting as leaders at the church to say goodbye to them, I asked how long
this sentiment had been circulating. I was answered as far as they could tell
since a little over a week ago. Tellingly, to me at least, this was just the
time that I launched my Indiegogo Project campaign and made a mass emailing
that I reckon each of them received. So I’m thinking this is clear evidence that
I have clearly changed in a noticeable way, but one I do not yet clearly
understand the full nature of, or have a necessary control of.
I see the truth that I have already changed my long
balance behavioral equation. I frankly did not believe change in this path was
possible. Clearly I have over compensated. The person I mentioned in post 09
and designated New Beauty, was the catalyst of my intervention. I discussed her
with my grad student councilor, who was not specific really but as I described my
fears and reluctance to open up and share my feelings, and to overcome my fear,
I think, less of rejection, but more the appearance of being inappropriate; and
she encouraged me to ask for a phone number, ask for a neutral ‘date’ to talk
in a safe public place. Looking back I realize I was too forward with N.B.,
particularly in church, and these exercises I am attempting for my own growth
play right into the fears and misgiving that have of me. In some explanation
the whole world is my church, and my whole life is a prayer before God and the
Spirit or whatever the case is. I feel like recounting the tit for tat of the
conversations and interactions which each of these accusing, disapproving
women, but they were only helping me, and helping them self; and I only regret
that so many people let their fear and unhappiness build, only in service of
being ‘polite.’ For my purposes New Beauty is another lesson learned, and
although at this point in time I am not clear what to derive from her lesson,
at least I’m sure I did not hurt demean or threaten her, and I hope left no
hard feelings that will not dissipate.
This business is torturous for me, but no longer
terrifying. If I work hard to learn from my mistakes and continue to be honest
with myself and others I have to believe I will meet people who think as I do,
at least to some degree. I am not and never was a cog in dominant culture, and
the only appreciation, recognition or acceptance I have ever enjoyed is in
tribal cultures. I am not a revolutionary because no group or government has
any power over me that I do not freely concede. I don’t follow leaders because
I see that we each must be responsible for all important decisions in our
lives. I can have no fear because I have few material attachments to lose or
defend. I know that death is always standing behind me, and that death can come
at any time; this reminds me always to be careful to keep right thought, right
action and right livelihood, for reasons implicit to my perception, and I hope
I can become transparent and understandable to others. I felt since last year
that I have only two options for living without conflict, personally, with
everyone in my life; become a recluse, a hermit alive only in isolated
wilderness if I am to have peace. Alternatively I have to change in the manner
I have described in this Indiegogo project and extensively in this blog.
I have lived in wild places, dug stuff out of the
ground and ate it without even enough water to wash it off. I did not suffer
then differently than now in my relative present prosperity. Two weeks ago I
could not have written this last sentence, or even tell it to a soul; because
by my thought process, it violates the spirit of my sixth vow, claim no
enlightenment that I have not attained; that I understand more simply put as: I
claim no credentials, judge me as you know me to be, please. No truth or strength
or ability can be held in a paper, it must come from persons. Even with all my
recent suffering, I feel that I am healing slowly, and giving up is not an
option. My art experience leads me always to reach beyond my present ability to
where my best work yet lays waiting.
Please help. Contribute or refer me in your network, I
won’t let you down.
A man to discover, a man to know, a life to emulate: by any person who hopes to know herself
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