What Does It Mean To Go Forward? (Berry the lead!)

       Romance is just great, but why is splitting always the best part?

What Does It Mean To Go Forward?

The previous series of posts are a cathartic expression of my tangled emotions and intentions in relating to other people, specifically women, and tragically, mainly only those those that I care very much about. I do not want to make any defense of my actions, they are there in my Death Song project completely unfiltered and I think honestly reflect me. I see that they are selfish and yet still giving, attractive but yet ugly; brave and still cowardly. So in the end I am a man who is afraid to give up his little autonomy even for the the love and affection of a wonderful woman who is far beyond my expectation, or my deserving.

Still, every word, phrase and song I put into the project was honest and without malice. I regret having hurt or pissed off the two women who offered me love in the course of it, but not the words I wrote or the actions I took, because they were honest and really, only the things that I felt, for right or wrong, it is at least how I choose to express my love, my frustration and my suffering.

So in the end Jane kicked me to the curb. Good, better her than me, because apparently she is too big a morsel for me to digest. And I love her, for the very real path she took me down, and the lessons of emotion and expression she brought out in me. In the end I see that the unfair artificial time restraint that I put around us, I was driven to rash and unreasonable actions by my own invested need to resolve the narrative that was only part of a spell I was working to satisfy my own desires. In this I needed a firm piece of solid ground to bring about  as I see it the not that difficult action of bringing us together.

The balm of Jane's 100% loving chat was washed away by the loose threads of contradiction that I see in her vague replies and disinterest in giving to me the clarity I need in relation to my specific questions and her seeming inability to directly answer anything that is necessary for me to proceed with what I can do on our behalf.

I am not a man who can be understood in a conventional world, and the way I live in this world is not what anyone would expect. In the world of men, one fulfills all promises and actions from inside the bank book. Money to me is only a weak tool that comes to me after the clear analysis of my intent and my goal at hand. Sure this sounds like bullshit, but this is how the work a day world feels to me. My wealth is my time and my free will to do as I like, when I like. Living a life of service to others returns to me all that I need in this world.

My great fear in taking a wife, is that I do not so clearly see how I can hold up my end, shoulder my obligation. I feel this is my backward trait, come on, and now too hard for me to keep on with it. Shit, that's it isn't it? I feel that I have to be responsible for everything myself. Am I in control or something now? I don't think I feel that way at all. All my life, I'm always afraid when things are happening around me that I don't understand or know immediately how to deal with them. This is exactly every woman or girl I have known in my lifetime. So much joy/so much terror.

Just a big Kid. "I would never buy this junk at these prices. But people love it! Go figure."

. Cindarella has graciously accepted my poetic mea culpa. I behaved very badly, and she is a really sport to have me back. It just goes to show 'ya, its always somthin'







Be kind, don't worry, be you everyday and see yourself grow.

100 Million Comic Book(the build up to...) Post 34 25 Year Death Song Indiegogo Project

So Happily Uncertain, Without One Clue

 So Happily Uncertain, Without One Clue

In hindsight my emotional and visceral reaction to the way the (w)hole dern deal fell out has many aspects, but the salient one was this; I looked at the picture above and was angry, hurt, and concerned that; she Photoshopped the sign over an existing shot not intended specificly to the project, instead of sloppily drawing over a a pic print and scanning. I am a world world champion geek first class.  I de-friend my fiance, not good I'm guessing; I deleted the chat thread, and went out relieved and unconcerned, on the upside, after all that she emailed this famous pic of my undoing, but lo they came this morning and began replacing my roof, just as all this occurred and I came home from lunch to find my skylights off.

It costs me a lot to function at such a highly diverse number of tasks in series. Cindarella is the emotional and physical presence needed now in our lives so that ours will work out well, kindly and happily ever,,,, ya know after.

Just to catch up, here is the chat page

I want to thank Kim Scoulios for encouraging me to brave Facebook, otherwise I would not have met Cindarella Cole.

I enjoyed her comic books Nancy Nebula Mental Transmissions 1 & 2 very much! You will too I bet. 

Me pathologicaly running away from every oppurtunity, and I don't know why I swallowed that fly

I guess I'm a (luckee) guy!

Climax Post 35 25 Year Death Song Indiegogo Project

the other beginning; just like a wheel

Complete Success Beyond My Expectation

Medicinal resolution que kindness

I got transferred to the moon; better hours, better co-workers. How do you feel huh

Its Boils Down To Decision I Reckon Post 33

Tell Me what huh

My TexasCity Spirit Cindarella Cole (ostensibly)

Its Boils Down To Decision I Reckon

Down to the wire now, with the woman who has blessed me with exactly the attention and challenge I needed to turnaround, as I have hoped I would do for some few years passed; but without conviction that I could achieve it at all. A kind, talented and able monk, me for these so many past years; and at that, the thrill of discovery of the unknown, only had in hindsight; and the skill-set gained thus, owing to my actions of service, and devout practice, and study of all diverse subjects I do encountered and devour: most gloriously my Cindarella Cole. Even with me well gone past the 'place of no pity' don Juan Matus describes, and through the frightening place that Wm James warned Bertrand Russell off from capturing in an equation, the field of Logical Philosophy; I am at perfect ease living with ambiguity in all aspects of my life. Or as the bard R. Crumb who shares me obsession with the aesthetic of strong women both asks and opines, not rhetorically:

Lil' Equivikata! After All I'm Still a Man huh 

That's right, or as I arrived at many years ago, my sweetest, most kind and calming equation: [all/same]. This is not to say that all needs and desires are unimportant or unattainable. It just means that I believe truly it is best to consider carefully, each for herself what to want, and why. I decided Cindarella Cole for my project initially for her narrative appeal, for after all, one amazing person is much like the next if you have the chops to catch her eye, and then to begin this next narrative of two. Now my decision has blossomed desire in winning Cindarella Cole for my wife; because I have her metal, and know her, essentially, in ways I would not have thought possible without sight of this woman or her conversation. Still, even though, well, practically nothing, that baby has told me is really what one might call a 'fact.;' it matters to me not at all, for ambiguity means nothing is true or false in all cases. A painter must learn to see in ever more other perspectives, and mine is that Cindarella has already done me the impossible favor of  turning me around.






                   Skip This Bit Sugar Sugar Pie; Don't You Worry Yer Purty Head Darlin'
So this project is a total success to me. If I don't get with my intended wife? A pity to be sure, but by no means the first woman to love me, help me in some important way, only to become the past. The spirit or the Lord or, 'pick your unknown,' she always sends me terrific a woman to help me, and Cindarella has sweetly brought me out of my monastic defenses to breathe life into my manhood of expressed desire. I am free.


   Hey Look! Cindarella, Down Here Hurry!!!!
The money? I never cared much for money. Money it the elephant I have been chasing around in my study, my artwork, my monkish life and I have learned to move the dollar so far back in my primary equation that I own all of my time, and I do just what I want, whenever I want to. The expression of this perspective and understanding of money's nature is the most disturbing complexity I have found to date. Its expression is still a big unknown to me, although I feel me a deep visceral grasp if the meaning, I can not  express it; but after all that is the essential cause, that I sing my death song for 25 long years. And now Cindarella Cole can step in to permit me her lover, wife, family and still continue to be of service and be with the unknown.

The greatest of blessings.

 I so love and never forget all of my friends.

Thought of money is mine from Henry David Thoreau; the man with more unknown than he could relate

Big Doin's in My Family This Weekend Post 32 25 Year Death Song Indiegogo Project

Blackie Lawless is inspirational in this ballad, I must be into it

Big Doin's in My Family This Weekend

Family Time, Blog Rest Period

My youngest nephew Chris and his fiancé Courtney are being married on Saturday, the day before Easter Sunday. All of the west coast family has arrived in San Antonio in the past few days, and everyone but me has gone to Houston TX for the preliminary dining, shopping and preparing for the rehearsals and ceremonies involved in a multi- cultural combining of our various families. The grooms side members are sparsely populated, out-numbered more than 10 to 1 by the bride’s family members; so it is a wonderful and rich mixture of great new persons joining and strengthening out family.

What it Is to Love

So It is heady and amazing to be myself engaged to a wonderful woman who I met as a direct result of beginning this Indiegogo Project, and whom I would never have met her, or we come to know each other so intimately without this having been the case! Reading back through our chatting over weeks, I see us testing one another from many perspectives each hold and share together. We each became one another linguistically as we tested each our resolve on the issues we felt were individual tests of building trust in one another. Cindarella is so strong and perceptive, attuned to me as a human man, and she guided us to loving each other holding strong to her position, but yet showing me the signs I needed to accept her whole heartedly; so that each of us won what we needed without either surrendering her points of honor.

Wife to Give My Artwork Direction

Cindarella brings to me the prime element in my personal and professional equation; with her as my wife she will direct my assets, talents and abilities to the focus and direction of monetary success that has always been pointless to me without her to make it attractive and meaningful. With my amazing wife together I will fit easily to all aspects of the social, cultural and personal relations with the arts community, church family ad of course my own immediate family.

Please Give Anything You Can Manage

To spark my family and career I am turning to the Indiegogo community and all of my close and oblique personal and artistic contacts and asking you to please give us a contribution towards, at this point, mainly bringing Cindarella to me here in Texas from her home in Lagos Nigeria.  Any help you can give is crucial to founding ourArt dynasty, The work I am capable can go forward with my wife directing and representing my on the business side.

Here is where we cave



All about wanting Cindarella

1232

We lovers Let Go Post 31

Cindarella save me

Here We Chat More

 
Chat Pt. 11 Here on main page; no linked page for this post





We lovers Let Go On Chatting

Pocahontas Said Yeah!!! Post 30 My 25 Year Death Song Indiegogo Project

Here is every part of me you have missed and what is ahead (28.00-31.30)

  




Sunday Wonderin'  What Pocahontas Will Say Next

Finally today I made my turnaround with the help of my wonderful, random lover, my wife to be who I would never have met without this silly, kookie Indiegogo Project. For thirty days I have worked tirelessly creating an body of free programing of my own reality. Many have peeked in curiously, wondering what it is all about.
I confess I had only a vague idea of what I wanted to achieve, and never did I imagine I would find and connect with a woman as great and perceptive as Pocahontas. As our love has battled in this blog for weeks we have each changed and our love grows.

Now I turn to the business part of this project, to vie for your attention and good spirit now and ask you to give generously to our union, and come with us to experience the tremendous artworks we will make; to see our family solvent and viable.

Please make every effort you can do, to tell everyone about our story, every word Pocahontas and I have exchanged is here on this blog for you to judge for yourself if we are a good fit or not. Please let us know that you think so to, and we have only 10 days to meet my financial goal in this project,  please give generously!

 pinky linky



I want you to know I dig love 

Oyster Bake Show, I'm Thinking a Good One for Me? Post 29 Indiegogo Project

Joni this now is the third time you have loved me back; me since throwing papers in morning snow, just a boy

Oyster  Bake  Show, I'm Thinking a Good One for Me?

Of course the money shot is totally out of focus, Oh well, that moment will never come again, at least I have this. You know so many of my favorite shots are out of focus, but this is extreme.

But back to Indiegogo Project Land; the worm has turned:

And now that her malaria is passed, and she's back in school, 'Pocahontas' is giving me cause for
encouragement (as above) and she promises to finally come through to our key to this project;
something at last to promote! She probably won't though, 'cuz she's my lifetime woman!

I find that success in life is only what you wanted, or thought might happen if you tried something; but whatever happens I hold onto myself, and I know that I am never what has happened. I find that everything that happened is the result of my intentions, or inattention to what I thought I want or need. It is a sort of curse to reach a place where I don't need anything, or even want anyone or anything simply for my own wanting.

My artwork must be random, for otherwise I could not stop creating an equation of everyone and everything I encounter. Pocahontas came to me totally randomly on Facebook friends; I took her as the person I so badly need in changing myself into the man she needs to be everything for her. I'll make it work too if she wants; and I am able to, I reckon so.








Link to juicy chat



My relationships with a thousand young woman, street persons, veterans and artist types;
I thank you all